<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>as snow falls on desert sky by mikaylamazing</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26684788">as snow falls on desert sky</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikaylamazing/pseuds/mikaylamazing'>mikaylamazing</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Episode: s15e18 The Truth, M/M, Speculation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:35:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,280</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26684788</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikaylamazing/pseuds/mikaylamazing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's time for Cas to hold up his end of his deal with the empty.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>as snow falls on desert sky</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I tagged this as major character death just to be completely safe, but know that in my heart of hearts, I believe that Cas will come back one way or another.</p>
<p>I also totally retconned most of what the promos have given us.</p>
<p>Title from Demolition Lovers - My Chemical Romance</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Well, that was a bust.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean breathes out what feels like the last of the air in his lungs. It has the mechanics of a laugh but none of the levity; he doesn’t have it in him. He supposes he never really has, not for a long time, but he used to be good at faking it. Now everything he says sounds sad and hopeless and tired. Probably because he’s sad and hopeless and tired. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On more than one occasion, he’s thought to himself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe the world </span>
  </em>
  <span>does </span>
  <em>
    <span>have to end. Maybe there’s nothing that </span>
  </em>
  <span>I</span>
  <em>
    <span> can possibly do to save it, not this time. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The thoughts have only come at a more frequent pace over the last few weeks, as they return to the bunker empty-handed time and time again, nothing to show for their effort except bloodshot eyes and new scars. New things to hurt over.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They’re running out of options. They’re running out of time. But nobody says it. Nobody dares to speak what they all know to be the truth. Dean bites his tongue until it bleeds. As far as Sam’s concerned, the shared delusion that they can kill God is the only thing keeping them upright and breathing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They’ve only just barely passed over the threshold of the bunker when Cas clears his throat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll begin searching for a new strategy. There can’t possibly be only one way to render God powerless,” he says, but he stays where he is. He doesn’t start walking out or even looking in the direction of the bunker’s entrance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s because there </span>
  <em>
    <span>isn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> only one way, but we’ve kinda been exhausting our options lately. Who knows if there’s even anything left to try,” Dean says. He isn’t facing Cas, or anyone. He quietly hopes that his feeble words are enough, though they had never been in the past. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas is still and silent, almost like he’s waiting for something. This time he turns to face the door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well if there is, I’ll find it. I’ll be back soon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas has had several brushes with his own humanity, especially as of late, which means he’s more prone to appreciating the little things like warm water over his skin and the smell of the bergamot oil he keeps in a tiny vial, tucked into one of his coat pockets - relaxing and soothing according to an article he read online. But it also means it’s gotten a lot more difficult to fly away at will.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean’s hand comes down on his shoulder, as it has many times before. It lingers for just a short moment longer than usual. Cas is only aware of the minutiae of the gesture because he’s had a lot of time to think about it. It’s a little different every time. This time especially.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, just hold on a second, would you?” Ordinarily the words would sound like razor blades coming from Dean, brusque and sharp; a command. But it’s nothing more than a plea,the exhaustion they’re all experiencing together seeping through, puddling at their feet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can help. Just let me go.” It’s the opposite of what Cas wants to say, but they’re tattooed into his mouth; a fold in his subconscious that has only grown in the years he’s known Dean. There’s never been anything else to say. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” The knife’s edge is back, and despite the diminutive speck of grace that still lives inside of him, Cas gives a very human flinch. Dean notices and his shoulders fall from where they once stood like brick walls. “Stay. We can figure something out together.” It sounds very simple. Perhaps deceptively so. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We would be more effective if we broadened our search parameters. I can handle this on my own.” Only Cas isn’t sure that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>can </span>
  </em>
  <span>handle this on his own. One wrong move, one miscalculation on his part and he could be done. For good this time. But maybe that would simply accelerate what is to come. His fate. After all, there isn’t a scenario that he can think of that wouldn’t end in his demise. It’s been a long time coming, he believes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean’s grip returns to his shoulder, strong and forceful on the surface, but Cas has known him long enough to sense it. A hesitancy so rarely found in his friend that he can’t even find the words to describe it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We just got home, Cas. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stay home. </span>
  </em>
  <span>With us. You really wanna go running around, by yourself, when the world could end at any moment?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s ended before. I was alone then.” Even the hums and buzzes of the bunker itself seem to go silent as Dean and Cas stand off, Sam and Jack hovering in the background until Sam clears his throat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean is right, Cas. Nobody should be going out there alone right now. If it’s going down, then at least we’ll all go down together.” Cas looks at Sam for just a moment before his eyes move back to Dean, trying his hardest not to look down at his shoulder where Dean’s fingers give the gentlest squeeze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No one’s sacrificing themselves here, okay? You don’t need to </span>
  <em>
    <span>prove </span>
  </em>
  <span>anything to us. That’s not what any of this is about.” The unsaid words run through his mind. Dean can see the way he’s still thinking, still in doubt. He struggles to swallow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re important even if you do absolutely nothing. That’s how family works.” Cas knows a thing or two about family, but none of it’s quite right. None of it has ever been like this, not with the angels.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> When he can’t think of what to say, Dean takes it as his cue to keep going. To keep trying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can’t risk losing you now. Not when we’re so close. Please… stay.” Cas can feel the tears build and build until the surface tension breaks and they slide down his cheeks. At one point, he might have considered the show of emotion to be weak; a sign of his own burgeoning humanity. Now it feels like all of his pins are aligned. Something’s been unlocked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t even ask Dean what exactly it is that they’re close to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It takes a minute or two. Cas never responds, not even a simple ‘okay,’ but then it’s there, making the lights flicker before surfacing at once. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It has Jack’s face. So Cas contemplates how he could </span>
  <em>
    <span>possibly</span>
  </em>
  <span> be happy, let alone his happiest ever. He was confident he’d never reach that point; it kept him from really thinking about it. It only makes sense that it’s become his downfall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a clamor; that’s to be expected, especially of the Winchesters, going for their guns and holy water like they can banish Castiel’s decisions with the right amount of willpower. Cas closes his eyes. It’s a human habit. He doesn’t really need to do it. He doesn’t need to produce tears either, but they won’t stop. They feel like acid on his skin, just another weakness. </span>
  <em>
    <span>A crack in his chassis. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean and Sam stay put, stock-still but not because they want to be, but because there’s nothing else to do. Then it approaches, piloting Jack’s body until he’s standing right in front of Cas.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Castiel. I knew your standards were low, but this? I almost feel bad for taking so long when you clearly deserve to be put out of your misery,” Jack’s voice draws out. Long gone are the hushed manic tones Cas has come to associate with the entity. If he didn’t know any better he’d say it sounds happy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, what’s going on?” Dean’s voice is just barely louder than a whisper, stuck in his throat, about ten feet away from Cas. He can still hear the worry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jack’s mouth contorts into a wide grin, unnatural and ugly because it simply isn’t him. He touches Cas, his fingernails dragging, gentle across the side of his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course, you didn’t tell them. Keeping secrets is kind of your thing, isn’t it?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas wants to scream, to tell this monstrosity to get out of his son, but he knows it would be useless. It chose Jack for a reason. Cas remembers what it was like to be human, for his stomach to turn, and thinks he’d be dizzy with it right now if only he could feel anything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When nobody speaks, it continues.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your angel, stupid and naive, sacrificed himself for the boy. It would be really sweet if only I cared,” it begins, walking circles around Castiel, like he’s its next meal. Like it’s waiting for him to drop dead so it can begin the feast. Against any other adversary he would make a joke about playing with one’s food; he supposes that’s the Winchester in him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas, what does that mean?” Dean asks, the entity letting out a hideous laugh before he can even finish asking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you all this stupid? I was going to take the boy, simple really, he was dying and it was his time. After all, there’s only so long someone like him lasts in a world like this. It was only a matter of time before he blew up,” it turns back to Cas, “But you just couldn’t accept that. So, you gave yourself up for him, only for it to come around and bite you. He did nothing but let you down. You were alone for weeks because of what </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>did, stuck in your own mind with guilt, and then he died anyway. Was it really worth sacrificing your own life when he didn’t have much of one himself?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas doesn’t hesitate.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. And if given the chance I would do it again. That is what you do for your family.” While he can’t meet their eyes, Cas knows both Sam and Dean well enough to know that they can’t argue with him, even if they might want to, especially Dean. None of it matters; he only hopes that his words are getting through to Jack, that he’s somewhere in there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Touching, really. I’m going to have so much fun swallowing up all of your poor judgment and stupidity, forever,” it says. Cas can feel his jaw clench, his bottom lip beginning to tremble, but he’s nothing if not a man who has challenged and cheated death a thousand times over, he can manage it again. It’s the only thought that keeps his head up, opening his mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then do it already,” Cas commands, the words being ripped out of his chest. He doesn’t have to look at Dean to see the way his eyes go wide, the way his jaw drops.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas what are you doing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I made a deal, I’m only maintaining my half of it to protect you three. We can’t afford to lose anyone else right now, you said it yourself.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>From the corner of his eye, Cas can see the way Sam shakes his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why now? Cas made the deal months ago, why </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” he asks. Sam’s effort is admirable, but deep down, Cas understands why. He just couldn’t have anticipated that it would come so soon. The corners of Jack’s mouth pull up once again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because he’s happy. The happiest he’s ever been in his life, and he knew that’s when I would come for him. He just thought he’d sooner die than know true happiness,” it says, never taking its eyes off of Cas despite speaking to the Winchesters, “You thought you were smart, that you would never actually have to deal with this moment, but you were wrong, and now you belong to me. I will throw you into the dark and cold where you will stay buried and will never bother me again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” Dean’s voice is level and strong despite the way his eyes shift around nervously. It’s a front; a performance like the rest of his life, but what else can he do? He only just started learning how to be real. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jack’s left eye twitches, as his body turns, stiff and unnatural to look at the man daring to test the patience of the oldest cosmic entity in all existence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are not even the smallest, most insignificant blip on my radar, but I hope you know that I’ll take you too, and soon. I can feel it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can do whatever the hell you want with me. You’re not taking Cas,” Dean says. He’s such a good actor it’s almost enough to convince himself that he’s actually done something - like he can actually save Cas for once instead of the other way around. It laughs the same ugly laugh, longer this time. It only makes Dean more adamant, strengthens his hold. Cas wishes he would just let go.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The least you can do is follow the rules of your own deal!” It’s enough to momentarily render the shadow speechless. It makes its way to Dean, Cas’s fists curling up until he feels his fingernails dig into his palms. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m a being of my word. I would not have appeared if I wasn’t one hundred percent positive that Castiel is happier than he’s ever been. That’s half the fun.” Dean looks at Cas, into him as if to look for any sign that this isn’t true. Cas can’t meet his eyes. But he can’t look away either. It must say enough.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s sad, isn’t it?” the shadow begins, casting its gaze from Dean to Sam and then finally back to Cas, “That you’ve all done such a poor job of taking care of the little thing that </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>is enough for him? That he </span>
  <em>
    <span>truly </span>
  </em>
  <span>believes this is the best he’s ever going to get? All you had to do was tell him to stay.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam’s face is one of borderline pity. Cas wants to hate it, to tell him to stop, but he wouldn’t dare risk that being their final interaction, not when they’ve been through so much good together. Dean’s is one that Cas has never seen before. It’s saying a lot considering the amount of time he’s spent simply studying and decoding the many faces of Dean Winchester. Even with his world crumbling right under his feet, Cas can’t help but want to ask him what’s wrong. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why don’t you just go back to where you came from?” Dean asks, but there’s a tremor in his voice, hands still clasped around his gun like a security blanket, even if he knows it’s useless. There’s a long moment where they just stare each other down, but when they come up for air, the shadow has something new in the glint of its eye, while Dean looks just as scared as he did before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not sure you’re aware of just how transparent you are, Dean. Easy to read, like a book with no words.” Dean stays where he is, gun still raised, but his hands visibly shaking. “You think you’re going to save him. You think that just because you’ve done it before that you’ll do it again, well not this time. Your little Winchester rules don’t exist anymore, so when you all die, it’s going to be forever, and I’m going to keep you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s then that Cas sees it, glimmering tears in both of Dean’s eyes. He refuses to blink. He’s still holding the gun, still shaking. When Cas looks at Jack’s face still misshapen by the shadow, he sees something that looks like recognition; the chime of a bell; a lightbulb moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You love him.” It’s said with the surety of an entity that has been around for the aggregate of existence. Dean swallows, his tears still brimming, shining in the warm light of the room like tiny tidepools. He stays silent as the shadow goes on, Sam’s eyes moving around the room, trying to see everyone at once. “This is precious; really the icing on the cake of this moment to know just how much you care, and that you’re completely and utterly helpless to rescue him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We </span>
  <em>
    <span>all </span>
  </em>
  <span>love Cas,” Sam yells, determined and steadier than Dean’s been throughout the interaction, but still, the shadow can only scoff. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is different. I can sense it,” it walks even closer to Dean, Jack’s chest almost in contact with his gun’s barrel. “It’s something you’ve never felt before. You thought you had, in the past, but none of it really compares now, does it?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up,” Dean whispers, a tear finally escaping down his cheek. He doesn’t move to wipe it away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You wasted your time, denying yourself any real shot at happiness and now you can’t help but wish that you hadn’t spent so long pushing him away. Feel free to let me know if I’m off my mark.” Dean blows out a ragged breath. Finally cocks the gun.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, you know that won’t do anything to me. Pull the trigger. All you’ll have when I leave is a brother and a boy with a bullet hole in him.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not a half-second after Dean moves to strike he’s being flung across the room, head colliding with a chair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a foolish move, one that goes against every rule of combat he’s ever known, but Cas rushes to Dean’s side, Sam staying back to fight, and Jack doing everything in his power to regain control of his own body.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean, still conscious by some God-free miracle, rubs at the back of his head. When his fingers come away bloody, he has a split-second to wonder how he doesn’t have permanent brain damage yet. Of course, he knows. The reason is running at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Cas asks. Despite being marked for an imminent death, he kneels beside Dean, takes his head into his hands until Dean doesn’t feel dizzy anymore. It nearly makes Cas double over. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, what are you doing? You can’t fight like this,” Dean nearly sobs, trying to hold Cas up despite his own weakness. Cas doesn’t have the heart to say the fight is already over, that it’s been over since he made the deal. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did it mean?” While Cas may have had his own hardships with human communication in the past, he’s almost certain he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows </span>
  </em>
  <span>what the shadow meant. He knows what Dean feels because, although he can’t be certain, Cas thinks he feels it too. He looks over his shoulder momentarily, to see Sam with his hands around Jack’s shoulders, Jack still struggling against the shadow’s presence. His mind tells him to help, but his legs are heavy and tired, trembling under the weight of himself. Even as a human he wasn’t so hopeless. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he looks back at Dean, he’s doing nothing except shaking his head, his eyes squeezed shut.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t.” It’s the only thing Dean says, three times before he finally cracks open his eyes to look at Cas.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This will be the last time we see each other, I just-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it won’t. It can’t be. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>always </span>
  </em>
  <span>come back. I’ll find a way to bring you back, I swear-” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sound of the blade piercing through Cas’s back rings in his ears for days. When he manages to sleep it’s all he dreams about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d shut his eyes again, never seeing the black tar of the shadow covering Jack’s body where it sprawled out on the floor, or the way it escaped through the tiny cracks around the front door; hearing nothing, not even Jack’s gasp or his troubled ‘what happened?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’s Castiel? Guys, what’s going on?” The second tear finally falls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And while Sam and Jack scream out Cas’s name, Dean’s mouth can’t even form the word. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>